“I do this thing where I date people and make them really happy but then one day I get bored and walk away. Its not out of malice but I keep on leaving people heartbroken after being treated so well for no better reason than I got bored. I feel like such a shitty person because of this but I don’t know what to do to change it. HELP?!” - Question submitted by fluffynoodle
It’s so weird because my instinct is to let you know you’re not a jerk and you can’t help how you feel. I mean, what are you supposed to do?? You can’t fake feelings and you can’t continue a relationship wherein you’re not happy!
I think, if I were you, I’d be as honest as possible. We all know there’s a point in a new relationship where you talk about past relationships. WHEN THAT MOMENT COMES, BE HONEST. Instead of saying ‘yea it just didn’t work out,’ tell the truth. Your feelings faded and you have no idea why, things weren’t fun and exciting anymore, you didn’t see yourself with the person and it seemed unfair to continue dating.
In some cases, people will be like, “wait, you got bored and gave up” and then they’ll make judgements about you based on your past. Anytime someone makes a judgement about you based on something in the past, things don’t turn out well. In other cases, people will be like, “that’s happened to me before, here’s to hoping we’re not one of THOSE couples” and then you’ll giggle and make out and maybe that relationship will last a lot longer than you thought.
If you’re totally over a relationship and you’re being kind and thoughtful, you’re doing all the right things. If you’re at the beginning of a relationship and you’re being totally honest, you’re also doing all the right things.
I think there might be a little more going on here than just “all of a sudden getting bored.” I mean – if you had this happen once, then I would have different advice… but you are explaining this as a pattern that continues to happen, so I think that this warrants some self-reflection.
I agree with Dannielle’s advice on what to do when you are in that situation – be honest, be honest, be honest.
However, what kind of factors lead you into those relationships in the first place? Are you considering the things that you like and want in a relationship when you first enter into one? Are you more concerned with having SOMEBODY to snuggle / makeout / etc with and so therefore putting a little less focus on the longterm things that keep love going? What, exactly, makes you feel bored? Is it the conversations? The sex? The attraction? All of it?
Here’s something to notice: When you described your relationships you said you always “make them really happy,” but… you didn’t say anything about you being happy.
I know that you don’t often turn to an advice site to get asked more questions… so I apologize. However, this is a situation that is bigger than simply being honest with others – this is a situation where you should challenge yourself to be honest with… yourself. Reflect on things. Journal at the start, the middle, and the end of your next relationship. Pay attention to the specifics and start to really pull them apart.
Relationships are an incredible way to get insight into some of the things happening in your brain and heart and head. Be honest. Be kind. Reflect. Work. You will figure it out and things will become a lot clearer and easier to navigate over time.